In Forest Fairy Training School, we'll be cultivating this internal sense of safety. The capacity to feel safe, even in a world where safety is actually an illusion, is easier for people who have more privilege. And, it's a super power that can be learned - especially by creating safety for ourselves in our relationships.
My first ketamine journey
I agreed to join two beloved friends for my first ketamine journey. Both of them are experienced medicine journey guides. I was surprised to notice that as we began to set our intention for the journey, I realized I was feeling unsafe. I had a feeling of unease in my belly, my heart felt unsettled, and I couldn't find a comfortable position or shape for my body to rest in. I considered not doing the journey. After some divination and slowing down to listen to myself, I decided to go ahead with it, while holding the question in my heart of "What is safety?"
Ketamine is known to be a very safe yet powerful dissociative, and is often used therapeutically to support people with chronic pain and depression. I felt curious about the cosmic experiences that some people have with "K", as it's called.
I took 100 mg with an anal suppository, and settled in on the couch. We put on eye masks, and settled into a reassuring, cuddling position while we listened to soothing mantras and waited for the journey to begin.
It came on quickly. After a very brief transition period, (less than five minutes, I would guess) I began experiencing layer after layer of beautiful, dark, intricate shapes, lines and colors, coming towards me. It felt challenging to keep up with the flow of the impressions. As the visuals moved in my minds eye, my heart was constantly trying to find a ground of reality. It was as if I was asking, over and over, "Is this real?" And the refrain, with every passing layer of visual beauty, was "This is not real." My mind was convinced that because it was all moving so fast, none of it was real. I was completely unaware of my body, which was one reason I kept asking "Is this real?" My body seems to be a big part of how I experience reality. I lost any sense that either of my friends were nearby. And the answer continued to be "This is not real."
As I got deeper and deeper into the experience, I felt that this was my new state of being. I would no longer be able to "see" the normal sights of everyday life, or have any of those sensations. This state of floating in deep space was my new "normal" - I had left my previous life behind. I was not upset about this. While it did not feel comfortable or reassuring, it also did not seem worrisome. I was content to simply recognize myself as a point in space. I was nothing more, nothing less. With each new passing layer of "reality" (or lack thereof), I continued to surrender, and to rectify myself with my existence as simply a point in space.
I was completely unaware of any passage of time. Apparently, about 45 minutes elapsed during my journey. When I came back to my body, and began to actually move my arms and legs, I felt like Jello. Getting up to go to the bathroom felt very strange, like I was re-learning how to use my limbs. It's typical to continue to feel slightly altered for the couple of hours following a journey like this. I still felt very gooey, in a liminal space where time and space felt undefined.
As we lounged and listened to the music, my friend asked me, "So what about your intention? What did you learn about safety?"
I thought about it for a moment.
My first response was that it didn't feel like this journey had anything to do with safety. It was something else entirely.
And then, as my cognitive function slowly returned, I realized that I had indeed learned something about safety.
Safety, for me, is largely emotional. In most moments, I am asking myself "Am I emotionally safe?" And in this experience, the way I found safety was by continuing to surrender. I kept letting go of what I thought I knew, and what emerged was a sense of contentment with having my existence consist of being a point in space.
I responded to my friend "I found safety in surrender, and in finding a sense of contentment." This inner posture, of surrender and contentment, is something that we all can cultivate in ourselves. It's right there, waiting for us. I use my breath to rediscover this, throughout the day. This is why I sigh a lot - I'm releasing tension and reminding myself that I'm safe.
Even now, several weeks later, I find it soothing to replay those ketamine inspired moments - feeling like I am completely surrendered to and content with my existence as a point in space.
If this journey resonates with you, you might be a good fit for Forest Fairy Training School - I'd love to have a conversation with you about it.
